Huge Promise: NFL Pledges To Reduce Long Term Brain Damage In All Players To Just Most Players.

The NFL made its announcement late last night. The organization released a press statement saying it plans to dramatically increase funding for research and development. With a roughly $800 increase in financial contributions, an NFL spokesperson patted himself on the back for their incredible generosity.

Fans and players alike have celebrated the great news. “I got to test out one of the new helmet prototypes at practice. At first it looked like they had just hot-glued cotton balls onto the padding, but the research team assured me it was really high-tech.”

Some players aren’t pleased with the mandatory equipment upgrades. “I just don’t see why its anyone’s business how my brain works,” said former NFL running back, Jackson DaRosa, before slamming the microphone into the wall in a fit of rage. “Football never hurt my brain. Players are just soft now.”

Unbelievable: Condom company repackages condoms as Large, Massive, and Earth-shattering after spike in teen pregnancy.

Experts praise forward-thinking decision to repackage their condoms as the first step in tackling teen pregnancy. After noticing 100% of their sales came from the ‘Large’ size, they adjusted the sizing names to better suit the fragile teen ego. It is being hailed as the greatest advancement since the invention of the pillow pet. The mastermind behind this decision, Gina Windlan, said “Now boys can finally buy appropriately sized condoms without feeling shame at the checkout counter.” Teens around the country have taken to social media to brag about the updated size of their members. A 17-year-old claims, “It’s so relieving that the mildly attractive clerk in her mid-40’s will know what kind of heat I’m packing. As soon as school gets out, I’m buying as many as I can afford.”

Unfortunately, the action has not appeared to have its desired effect, as the company is now reporting that only the ‘Earth-shattering’ size is being purchased. Perhaps new sizing standards will have a greater effect.

Dr. Anthony Fauci agrees to disagree with himself in bizarre livestream.

Keeping in character, Dr. Anthony Fauci debated himself during his perfectly timed social media livestream. During the two hour long event, he appeared to argue with both his past and future advice. Fortunately for all viewers, after being prodded by the moderator (also Dr. Anthony Fauci), current Dr. Anthony Fauci settled the matter by agreeing to disagree with himself.

In a later press release, he said he hopes the livestream cleared up any confusion among the American people and then encouraged people to wear masks before saying were actually ineffective. Thankfully, he has agreed to do more interviews to answer any remaining questions.