U.S. Military Creates New Spec-Ops Team Consisting Solely Of ‘Larger Bodied’ Lesbians.

Top military brass from the pentagon released new plans to build the “ultimate super team.” This elite group is set to become the worlds premiere military unit, and entry into it will be highly selective.

People typically imagine these units to consist of big, buff, burly men with a love for firearms and freedom. But these stereotypes are exactly the problem say the officers tasked with creating this unit. “We can’t expect top results if we continue to rely on what we consider ‘traditionally qualified individuals.’ Sure…these women can’t carry over 15lbs, run a mile in under 18 minutes, or shoot any caliber bigger than .22 long rifle, but that’s not the point. We have full faith that they’ll mostly come back alive.”

This is only the first milestone in a string of changes to come. After this time proves their success, the pentagon has plans to implement separate teams of middle-aged Asians, sixteen year old girls who believe in astrology, and, perhaps most noteworthy, a team consisting of only cast-members from the hit T.V. show “My 600 Pound Life.”

Friends Concerned About Man Who Claims He Enjoys Watching Professional Wrestling While Completely Sober.

Friends of the man arrived at his apartment late last weekend to be shocked by the amount of WWE posters plastering the walls. Half-naked men in speedos stared down at them from every angle. One friend described it as “the creepiest, most erotic moment of my life. I had goosebumps in places I didn’t know goosebumps could be.”

Eventually, a brave member of the group gathered the courage to speak up. “I asked him ‘Do you have a roommate or younger brother or nephew or someone that lives here?’ Of course, he said no, and that’s when I realized he’s just really into wrestling.”

Neighbors said its not uncommon, late at night, to hear the muffled sounds of banging chairs and collapsing tables coming from his apartment. “Sometimes I can hear him jumping off his couch onto the cushions over and over, like he’s trying to practice some move. I think it’s about time we put together an intervention.”

Dads Around The Country Anxiously Await To See Which Brand Of Socks His Family Will Give Him On Father’s Day.

With Father’s Day on the horizon, Dads have taken every effort possible to sneak a peek at their upcoming gifts. As they prepare to take the week off from lawnmowing and other fatherly endeavors, they’ve turned their attention to pestering their family about their presents. “I don’t want any of that Hanes garbage. I’m busting my behind standing on my feet all day. I need some socks that will last until next Father’s Day.”

 Neighborhood rivalries seem to have heightened the stakes. A local dad was spotted early this morning passing out flyers for Fruit of the Loom apparel to all the other houses. “I’d like to see the shame on these dads’ faces when they take their morning mail trip wearing these,” he was reported as saying.

 We can only hope these rivalries don’t intensify past passive aggressive yardwork, or we could have a real problem on our hands.

Huge Promise: NFL Pledges To Reduce Long Term Brain Damage In All Players To Just Most Players.

The NFL made its announcement late last night. The organization released a press statement saying it plans to dramatically increase funding for research and development. With a roughly $800 increase in financial contributions, an NFL spokesperson patted himself on the back for their incredible generosity.

Fans and players alike have celebrated the great news. “I got to test out one of the new helmet prototypes at practice. At first it looked like they had just hot-glued cotton balls onto the padding, but the research team assured me it was really high-tech.”

Some players aren’t pleased with the mandatory equipment upgrades. “I just don’t see why its anyone’s business how my brain works,” said former NFL running back, Jackson DaRosa, before slamming the microphone into the wall in a fit of rage. “Football never hurt my brain. Players are just soft now.”

Real estate boom: Homeless encampment in LA discovered to be fourth largest city in California.

Real estate experts around the country travelled to visit the hottest market in California. The staggering growth of this homeless encampment is due to its unique set of features. Potential investors say the area is perfectly located in downtown LA with great access to local shops, restaurants, and parks. With its complete lack of laws or adherence to public safety, it is perfectly poised for start-up companies to dodge regulations and taxes.

“It’s really an excellent place to live. I’m only a couple minutes away from my favorite fentanyl dealer, and I can go to the bathroom anywhere there is an open spot on the sidewalk.”

Residents from nearby neighborhoods say they have no complaints. With their home values plummeting and rising taxes, neighbors say they may be the next lucky ones to join the encampment. “Its only a matter of time until I lose everything and get to live in one of those high-end tents on the street corner. I just hope I can get in before the California tent market reaches its peak.”

Reality sinks in: England residents lament sun setting on their empire.

Residents of England have seemingly not yet come to terms with the drastic decline of their once great empire. Despite being reduced to an island the size of Michigan for the last eighty years or so, the undeniable reality of their situation is just now sinking in. Residents of a proud English town organized a fair to memorialize their country’s maddening decline. “It was a fun-filled morning filled with music and games,” reported local area man. “But after distracting ourselves all morning, we now can’t deny the inevitable depression that will overwhelm us tonight.” By evening, everyone in attendance solemnly stared into the fire, wishing they had been born anywhere else.

Our reporters overheard young children asking their parents why they had to grow up in England. “Why can’t we move to Somalia?” they lamented. Many parents were inspired by these ideas and have begun planning to open an English colony in Somalia. Hopefully, this turns out better than last time.

Unbelievable: Condom company repackages condoms as Large, Massive, and Earth-shattering after spike in teen pregnancy.

Experts praise forward-thinking decision to repackage their condoms as the first step in tackling teen pregnancy. After noticing 100% of their sales came from the ‘Large’ size, they adjusted the sizing names to better suit the fragile teen ego. It is being hailed as the greatest advancement since the invention of the pillow pet. The mastermind behind this decision, Gina Windlan, said “Now boys can finally buy appropriately sized condoms without feeling shame at the checkout counter.” Teens around the country have taken to social media to brag about the updated size of their members. A 17-year-old claims, “It’s so relieving that the mildly attractive clerk in her mid-40’s will know what kind of heat I’m packing. As soon as school gets out, I’m buying as many as I can afford.”

Unfortunately, the action has not appeared to have its desired effect, as the company is now reporting that only the ‘Earth-shattering’ size is being purchased. Perhaps new sizing standards will have a greater effect.

Former British royals profit by lecturing middle-class Americans on how difficult royal life is.

Regular guy-Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, smile down on working class Americans. Photo:
DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE/GETTY IMAGES

Working class Americans rejoiced after learning the British pair agreed to continue lecturing them in their upcoming Netflix special. Many were worried about losing the privilege of listening to the rich, privileged couple complain about the overwhelming difficulties they face. Thankfully, Meghan Markle has assured her fans that the $150 million payday will do nothing to ease her burdens. She will still manage to find unimaginable obstacles in her life and use them to kickstart, potentially, a second Netflix deal? One can only hope.

Dr. Anthony Fauci agrees to disagree with himself in bizarre livestream.

Keeping in character, Dr. Anthony Fauci debated himself during his perfectly timed social media livestream. During the two hour long event, he appeared to argue with both his past and future advice. Fortunately for all viewers, after being prodded by the moderator (also Dr. Anthony Fauci), current Dr. Anthony Fauci settled the matter by agreeing to disagree with himself.

In a later press release, he said he hopes the livestream cleared up any confusion among the American people and then encouraged people to wear masks before saying were actually ineffective. Thankfully, he has agreed to do more interviews to answer any remaining questions.

In touching show of sportsmanship, Lebron elects to leave court five minutes early.

Lebron contemplates whether or not he needs to leave early to catch the end of “Man vs Wild” rerun.

Lebron James stirred controversy in game 5 playoff loss to the Phoenix Suns after walking off the court with five minutes on the clock. Rather than attempt a GOAT-like comeback, he decided to throw in the towel. Was this an elaborate ploy to get the Suns off their game? A carefully orchestrated plan? Or is Lebron just soft?

Lebron supporters don’t seem to think so. They claim his decision to leave his teammates hanging proves he truly is the GOAT- “Jordan would never walk off the court early. He would’ve played until the last second ticked off. That’s why Lebron will go down as the best-because he knows when to call it quits.”