Friends Concerned About Man Who Claims He Enjoys Watching Professional Wrestling While Completely Sober.

Friends of the man arrived at his apartment late last weekend to be shocked by the amount of WWE posters plastering the walls. Half-naked men in speedos stared down at them from every angle. One friend described it as “the creepiest, most erotic moment of my life. I had goosebumps in places I didn’t know goosebumps could be.”

Eventually, a brave member of the group gathered the courage to speak up. “I asked him ‘Do you have a roommate or younger brother or nephew or someone that lives here?’ Of course, he said no, and that’s when I realized he’s just really into wrestling.”

Neighbors said its not uncommon, late at night, to hear the muffled sounds of banging chairs and collapsing tables coming from his apartment. “Sometimes I can hear him jumping off his couch onto the cushions over and over, like he’s trying to practice some move. I think it’s about time we put together an intervention.”

Huge Promise: NFL Pledges To Reduce Long Term Brain Damage In All Players To Just Most Players.

The NFL made its announcement late last night. The organization released a press statement saying it plans to dramatically increase funding for research and development. With a roughly $800 increase in financial contributions, an NFL spokesperson patted himself on the back for their incredible generosity.

Fans and players alike have celebrated the great news. “I got to test out one of the new helmet prototypes at practice. At first it looked like they had just hot-glued cotton balls onto the padding, but the research team assured me it was really high-tech.”

Some players aren’t pleased with the mandatory equipment upgrades. “I just don’t see why its anyone’s business how my brain works,” said former NFL running back, Jackson DaRosa, before slamming the microphone into the wall in a fit of rage. “Football never hurt my brain. Players are just soft now.”

In touching show of sportsmanship, Lebron elects to leave court five minutes early.

Lebron contemplates whether or not he needs to leave early to catch the end of “Man vs Wild” rerun.

Lebron James stirred controversy in game 5 playoff loss to the Phoenix Suns after walking off the court with five minutes on the clock. Rather than attempt a GOAT-like comeback, he decided to throw in the towel. Was this an elaborate ploy to get the Suns off their game? A carefully orchestrated plan? Or is Lebron just soft?

Lebron supporters don’t seem to think so. They claim his decision to leave his teammates hanging proves he truly is the GOAT- “Jordan would never walk off the court early. He would’ve played until the last second ticked off. That’s why Lebron will go down as the best-because he knows when to call it quits.”