Friends Concerned About Man Who Claims He Enjoys Watching Professional Wrestling While Completely Sober.

Friends of the man arrived at his apartment late last weekend to be shocked by the amount of WWE posters plastering the walls. Half-naked men in speedos stared down at them from every angle. One friend described it as “the creepiest, most erotic moment of my life. I had goosebumps in places I didn’t know goosebumps could be.”

Eventually, a brave member of the group gathered the courage to speak up. “I asked him ‘Do you have a roommate or younger brother or nephew or someone that lives here?’ Of course, he said no, and that’s when I realized he’s just really into wrestling.”

Neighbors said its not uncommon, late at night, to hear the muffled sounds of banging chairs and collapsing tables coming from his apartment. “Sometimes I can hear him jumping off his couch onto the cushions over and over, like he’s trying to practice some move. I think it’s about time we put together an intervention.”

Dads Around The Country Anxiously Await To See Which Brand Of Socks His Family Will Give Him On Father’s Day.

With Father’s Day on the horizon, Dads have taken every effort possible to sneak a peek at their upcoming gifts. As they prepare to take the week off from lawnmowing and other fatherly endeavors, they’ve turned their attention to pestering their family about their presents. “I don’t want any of that Hanes garbage. I’m busting my behind standing on my feet all day. I need some socks that will last until next Father’s Day.”

 Neighborhood rivalries seem to have heightened the stakes. A local dad was spotted early this morning passing out flyers for Fruit of the Loom apparel to all the other houses. “I’d like to see the shame on these dads’ faces when they take their morning mail trip wearing these,” he was reported as saying.

 We can only hope these rivalries don’t intensify past passive aggressive yardwork, or we could have a real problem on our hands.

Unbelievable: Condom company repackages condoms as Large, Massive, and Earth-shattering after spike in teen pregnancy.

Experts praise forward-thinking decision to repackage their condoms as the first step in tackling teen pregnancy. After noticing 100% of their sales came from the ‘Large’ size, they adjusted the sizing names to better suit the fragile teen ego. It is being hailed as the greatest advancement since the invention of the pillow pet. The mastermind behind this decision, Gina Windlan, said “Now boys can finally buy appropriately sized condoms without feeling shame at the checkout counter.” Teens around the country have taken to social media to brag about the updated size of their members. A 17-year-old claims, “It’s so relieving that the mildly attractive clerk in her mid-40’s will know what kind of heat I’m packing. As soon as school gets out, I’m buying as many as I can afford.”

Unfortunately, the action has not appeared to have its desired effect, as the company is now reporting that only the ‘Earth-shattering’ size is being purchased. Perhaps new sizing standards will have a greater effect.

Former British royals profit by lecturing middle-class Americans on how difficult royal life is.

Regular guy-Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, smile down on working class Americans. Photo:
DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE/GETTY IMAGES

Working class Americans rejoiced after learning the British pair agreed to continue lecturing them in their upcoming Netflix special. Many were worried about losing the privilege of listening to the rich, privileged couple complain about the overwhelming difficulties they face. Thankfully, Meghan Markle has assured her fans that the $150 million payday will do nothing to ease her burdens. She will still manage to find unimaginable obstacles in her life and use them to kickstart, potentially, a second Netflix deal? One can only hope.