The NFL made its announcement late last night. The organization released a press statement saying it plans to dramatically increase funding for research and development. With a roughly $800 increase in financial contributions, an NFL spokesperson patted himself on the back for their incredible generosity.
Fans and players alike have celebrated the great news. “I got to test out one of the new helmet prototypes at practice. At first it looked like they had just hot-glued cotton balls onto the padding, but the research team assured me it was really high-tech.”
Some players aren’t pleased with the mandatory equipment upgrades. “I just don’t see why its anyone’s business how my brain works,” said former NFL running back, Jackson DaRosa, before slamming the microphone into the wall in a fit of rage. “Football never hurt my brain. Players are just soft now.”
The Broken Board 